Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Charles in Charge

Hey, remember this blog? I do, apparently. Anyway, I actually kept this one. Everyone takes some worthless stuff from work. With most people it's paper clips or whatever. With me it's novelizations of the pilot episodes of crummy old sitcoms that I found on the back of a shelf, all dusty because WHAT THE HELL KID IS GOING TO READ THIS!? Me, that's who.

Thursday, June 14, 2012

No Flying in the House

Look, editors or whoever lays out these covers, sometimes the title will give you a clue which illustration to put on it. For example, a book called "No Flying in the House" should have someone flying on the cover. Presumably in the house. And if you could throw a consternated authority figure on there, too, that'd be great. This, however, is more a cover for a book called "Oh Snap, a Tiny Dog on my Chair, How Delightful". Or possibly "There Is a Normal Sized Dog on My Giant Chair and I Am Also a Giant".

When looking up this cover online (I saw it in a classroom, but didn't have my camera on me), I caught a bit of a plot description that mentioned the girl can kiss her elbow. This drove me crazy, because I instantly realized that I have read this book, but that is the only part I can remember. I still don't know what her deal is, or if she flies, or if anyone flies, or what's the deal with the dog. But I remember the scene where everyone thinks it's cool that she can kiss her elbow, so I should know that other stuff and it's driving me bonkers.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

47 - The Hot Air Balloon Mystery

Henry and Violet are clearly still shaking off the effects of the Quantum Creamery, since their point/wave is not remotely directed at their more Montgolfierian siblings. Oh, I'm just kidding. Surely they can't see them, so high up in the air. Why, they must be at least three feet off the ground. At least the balloons will hopefully inspire some more interesting shirts from them.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

46 - The Chocolate Sundae Mystery

As the Aldens enjoy a nice snack in an ice parlor that was decorated by the same person who makes their clothes, the first thing I notice is that if they are up against a wall, Henry is sitting at an impossible angle, as his butt is clearly off the seat. If it's not a wall, it's some blank, featureless void. Maybe they're in some manner of quantum creamery. That would explain why Henry's cone is defying gravity, why Violet is eating what appears to be an entire cauliflower, and why Benny is wearing the sandals of an old man to accompany (yet again) his Japanese monster movie pants. Also, remember how I told you Benny's big character trait is that he likes food? I wasn't kidding, look at the size of that thing.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

45 - Mystery of the Stolen Music

The kids' forays into the world of high art and culture continue. Is it just me or does it look like they Stole the Music themselves? Those are some really exaggerated expressions of dismay and shock. Especially on Violet. I bet she's got a copy of "ORIGINAL MOZART" all rolled up in her viola case right now. Sorry, missy, that won't distract me from the purple-polka-dots-emblazoned-with-images-of-some-kind-of-medicinal-candy-corn thing you're wearing. Also: Henry, get a tie, you look like an idiot. Benny, get a belt, you look like a jackass.

Monday, June 4, 2012

44 - The Dinosaur Mystery

"Hey, guys! It sure is a mystery why now, in 1995, this Tyrannosaurus rex is depicted in an upright 'tripod' position, even though scientists have known since the late 1960s that this was physically impossible?"

"You're right, Henry! Even though it took a long time for popular perception to catch up with reality, you'd think the change had caught on when the National Museum of Natural History finally changed the pose of their T. rex skeleton three years ago!"

"Exactly, Violet! And the situation was finally settled in the minds of the public when an accurately postured Tyrannosaur was portrayed in the popular Steven Spielberg film Jurassic Park, released just last year!"

"Do you think it could just be that our cover artist is a lazy idiot?"

"What the heck are you two talking about?"

"Hold on, I'll point at it."

Friday, June 1, 2012

Justin and the Best Biscuits in the World

I was going to make fun of this kid's ridiculous cowboy hat, or high-waisted pants, or especially his goofy expression, but you know what? Those really do look like some good freaking biscuits. And that gets him a lot of leeway. Well, if it's good enough for Coretta Scott King, it's good enough for me.